Life's Anger

So, I haven't been on here in a while mainly because I have been busy. The other excuse is because I have been angry. I didn't want to use my blog to vent, but I am thinking this might be therapeutic. You see, I spend my whole day every day in juvenile court. Granted, I don't like juvenile court because I think we give kids and parents to many chances, which is something i need to take up with the legislature. However, my anger goes deeper than that.

I have watched as parents relinquish their rights to their kids. Some of the parents do this sobbing as they should, but ultimately they know it is best for their kids. Some parents cry because they don't understand why the state wants to take their kids away (who would have thought if you blow up your house making meth the state would take your kids away? or You have beaten them so bad the state would take your kids away). Other parents have stood there and stone cold sober with no emotion and told the judge they just don't want their kids anymore. In any of these instances, I am very very angry. Why? Because Tony and I have tried for 3 years now to have children and we can't. To me kids are a privilege, a gift from God, and something that should be cherished always!

This is the first time I have admitted to the public that Tony and I can't have kids. In August 2008 we started to see an infertility doctor. Tony was tested and their was a problem. The day we found out he had the problem I was 2000 miles away at Saddleback (Celebrate Recovery Summit). I remember sitting in the grass listening to the doctor tell me it will be impossible to do this on our own. I remember then calling Tony and hearing the words "Do you want a divorce?" He thought because he couldn't give me kids that I would leave him. He felt like he had failed me. It was a crushing conversation. My next call was to my friend Becki- I knew she would understand and help me pull myself together. She was wonderful beyond explanation and still remains that way today.

The next step was a laparoscopy for me. My results from a laparoscopy were fine, however at the same time after the procedure I was told I was fine, the doctor told Tony it was confirmed that he was not. I cannot express to you the emotions that you go through. I put on a mask in front of my friends. Every time I hold a baby I wish it was mine and wonder what mine would look like. It is just emotional and I spend my whole day around people who could care less about their kids. It is AGGRAVATING! I HATE IT! And quite frankly it is not even remotely fair. I know God has a plan and I shouldn't question him, but I find myself everyday now, asking why and telling him I don't think it is fair. I just don't know what to do- I feel consumed by the anger!

To fast forward a little, Tony and I are going to try in vitro. The cost is overwhelming and I have put a lot of pressure on Tony to sell more houses (probably not the right thing to do). The beauty is my insurance will cover part of the invitro but really not enough of the cost. We have a few of Tony's sperm stored that we can use. We go for our in vitro patient education on June 29 and our trial run is on July 6. Sometime after July 6 the real procedure will happen and I can only hope it works! I am really tired of spending my days angry and I hope that I can just let go and give it to God soon!